Gastronomy Blog

I’ve been serving for two years now; two years of smiling and saying, “Are you all done with that?” or “Can I get you all anything else while I’m here?” and “I’m so sorry about that I’ll get you some ketchup right away!” Here are some things I’ve picked up on while running around the restaurant.

Serving Rules to live by:

1. The guest is always right. If the guest orders a crispy teriyaki chicken, and they want french fries and mayonnaise underneath the chicken, they should be applauded for their creativity and served with a smile.

2. Never lie to a table. This one is tricky because it can get you into trouble. An elderly lady was toying with the idea of a Fish and Chips plate ($8.95) or the Miso Yaki Fire Grilled Salmon ($14.95). She asked me if the fish and chips were good, but the way she asked it was the way someone asks a girl to marry them: with the expectancy that one should agree. I answered very politely, “Well, Ma’am, they’re not my favorite thing on the menu. I’ve had them once, and found them a bit dry and tasteless. Honestly.” Did I know that she wanted a simple yes and yes answer? Yes. Was I about to let her order the second worst thing on our menu, especially since it was her first time at the E-bar? Not if I could help it (see rule #5). Her next tactic was to accuse me of trying to get her to order the most expensive thing on the menu. Fortunately I had this accusation’s number and I countered with, “No Ma’am, if I were trying to do that I would have pointed you to the New York Steak and Nui Nui Coconut Shrimp combo which is 20 dollars [$19.95 unless you add grilled onions and mushrooms].” She looked at me for a moment over her silver framed glasses -and this is where honestly becomes a leg to stand on- and after a second she said, “I suppose you’re right.” Two points for having serving integrity.

3. Never tell a guest that their question is ambiguous. I get this one a lot, “Ummm I was wondering how hot the Kung Pao is?” My first thought (see rule #6) is, “Oh my gosh! You mean to tell me that someone finally created a unit of measure for the intensity of spices? I had no idea. Let me go back to the kitchen and check!”  My grandma (who coincidentally probably has 20 or 30 taste-buds left), can eat raw jalepenos all day long without so much as looking at a glass of water. My best friend, on the other hand, breaks out in a rash whenever he looks at a bell pepper. We are all different.

4. Babies should always be doted upon. A table yesterday had a kid that looked like a glob of silly putty with two eyes, kinda cute from the side, but not really my cup of tea. I played with the kid, and gave him my pen to hold, and made sure that he had a spoon with his mashed potatoes, and finally I patted him on the head and told him to keep growing. Is this a necessary part of serving? Yes, because a happy baby is a happy table, and a happy table might just be a school book for you and a half a tank of gas.

5. No server can convince anyone of anything. People have to make up their own minds, especially where food is concerned. Have you ever tried to sell a steak to someone who wanted a chicken salad? Impossible. It would be easier to change a car tire with a screwdriver and a hammer: it can be done, but at what cost?

6. Never say what you are thinking while at a table. I’ve experimented with this one once or twice, and all times have met with a bewildered guest, and an idiotic-looking me.

7. Never give a chest bearing floozie the benefit of catching you while you are staring at her. This has been a live and learn rule for me. Without fail, and before any scantily clad woman is even sat, the entire restaurant will know about her, and know where she will be seated. Sentences, no matter how crass, are heard at all of the server terminals, “Hey, bro, see the rack on 23?” or if you’re a girl, “You think she would do us all a favor and tuck those things in.” I have learned (long before I became a server) that a pretty girl doesn’t always equal a beautiful person. Before you throw a BS flag at me, let me explain one quick thing.

I was raised with 5 sisters. My younger sisters let me be protective of them, where as my older sisters did not. Never the less, I hated more than anything stupid guys who would look them up and down like a polished BMW and cat call or wink at them. I never want to be that guy.

Back to rule #7. My manager asked me one day why I didn’t check out a lady who had just walked by. I replied, “That’s why she spent all of that time getting dressed today: so you would stop and stair. I figure that I’d throw her off.” Know that I have no allusion that I affected her evening in the least.

8. Never BS a table of old people, similarly, never treat them with anything BUT respect. Old people know. They have a low tolerance for 20 something servers who think that they know everything and see the elderly as useless and bothersome. Some of my best conversations have been with people in their 60’s and 70’s. I talked for twenty minutes to a beautiful old couple about their first prom together in the 40’s. She smiled an old wrinkly smile when she told me about the dress she made for the prom, and the man couldn’t remember how they got to the prom, or what they did while they were there, but he remembered “How beautiful she was in her dress.”

I usually don’t get more than $5 on tables with older people, but sometimes you’ve got to suck it up and be thankful for the people you’ve been sat.

9. Never let a bad tip/ bad table ruin your night. They left you $4 on a $60 ticket; so what? Move on. The last thing you want to do is come off rude or upset to another table- a table just waiting to make your night. You never know about people, and that is your job. Day in, and day out, we are at the mercy of whoever fills our sections.

10. Never wish death on a bad tipper. People are ignorant. Heck, some people still think that servers get paychecks and that their entire lives don’t depend on random acts of generosity.

11. Last one (for now). Never stop smiling. Smile even if you’ve been on your feet for 8 hours and didn’t have a chance to eat anything between shifts. Smile when you’ve been stiffed three times in a row and you have a blister from your new work shoes. Remember that every moment there is enough happiness in this world to make you laugh forever, and that God is the great mediator of all things. What goes around comes around.